HEY GIRL - REMEMBER THAT 20 DAYS TO TONED ARMS PLAN YOU FOUND ON PINTEREST THAT YOU SWORE YOU WOULD COMPLETE BEFORE MAY 1ST? JUDGING BY THE JIGGLE WHEN YOU WAVE GOOD BYE TO THE KIDS IN THE MORNING, YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT PAST DAY 3.
HEY GIRL - SEE THAT SIX PACK ON THE MODEL ON PAGE 2? YOU HAVE MORE OF A 40 OZ GOING ON AROUND YOUR WAIST.
HEY GIRL - NOTICE HOW THERE IS A RAY OF SUNSHINE BEAMING THROUGH THE THIGHS OF THE GIRL WITH THE SURFBOARD? DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT LIGHT HAS NEVER AND WILL NEVER SHINE THROUGH YOUR UPPER LEG AREA?
HEY GIRL - SEE HOW LONG AND LEAN THE YOGA MODEL'S ARMS ARE IN THAT TANK TOP? HER ARMS ARE SIX TIMES AS LONG AS YOURS AND YOUR BONES AREN'T EVEN THAT SMALL.
As I continued to flip through the Athleta pages, I noted their 0% body fat, their perfect ponytails, and their never-before-breastfed-a-baby perfectly upright boobs and I thought - good for them! They look amazing, they are paid to look amazing and they can either afford to work out 4 hours a day or they were blessed with the metabolism of a cheetah. Even their barely-there-wedgies are adorable on them. The last time I looked adorable sporting a bathing suit wedgie, I was 2 years old. Regardless, I'm not a hater. I don't hate the playa - I hate the game.
When I finally threw the copy of Athleta down, put my feet up, and opened up a fresh bag of SkinnyPop (what do you mean you're not supposed to eat the entire bag?) for my afternoon snack, I cracked open one of my favorite books and found this gem - it was like I was meant to read this today - she won my heart at the word 'gargoyle':
It's a good thing we don't know how attractive we are...When pressed, we will confess to having a few agreeable anatomical features, such as nice shoulders, strong legs, or slender ankles, but most of us grossly underestimate our physical appeal. We are never fully aware of our real charms - the way we sip our tea, the way we sing off-key, the way we dance til' three.
Let's be frank: We all are shy. In private, most of us have unflattering opinions of our physiques. With reason. We are constantly reminded that our bodies don't measure up to the stringent contemporary standards of perfection. So much so that on bad days our inner micros would have us believe that we are pigeon-breasted and hunchbacked - like the gargoyles of Notre Dame...
Today, catching a glimpse of one's reflected image is a common enough occurrence, yet we still hesitate before recognizing the person in the mirror as our alter ego. Fixing our likeness in the eyes, we see someone who looks as surprised as we do...Just a few feet away stands a perfect stranger - an identical twin we didn't know existed. ~Veronique Vienne, The Art of Imperfection
So - I'm starting with the gargoyle in the mirror. I'm asking her to change her ways. And no message could be any clearer - if you want to make the world, a better place take a look at yourself and make the change. (Michael Jackson)
So I will go to the beach in my favorite maxi dress this year instead of an Athleta strappy ensemble? So what. Maxi dresses are hip, hot and happy - all at the same time. They cover a whole hell of a lot and look amazing on everyone.
|Thank the fashion gods. Now if they'd only make a maxi-bathing suit?|
So my flabby arms shimmy back and forth when I wave to someone - at least I have someone to wave to.
So my 60 days to get fit before the dog days of summer turned into the $60 I'd spend on a Miracle Bikini online - so what? I'm healthy, I'm happy and doggonit people like me.
I might sweat profusely this summer, but I'm not sweatin' the small stuff.
As far as my Athleta gift card? I'm going for a killer hat that will distract people from looking at my ass at the beach. So there.
Screw you swimsuit season. You don't get to tell me what to do and how to feel anymore. I'm 41, and I have enough meat on my bones to cushion my falls. It's all good. As far as the gargoyle in the mirror? She's one cute gargoyle.
Cheers to brilliant-fitting, comfy fabrics and slimming patterns during the warm months..